[To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...]

[To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] I'm constantly thinking of things I should say to people, things I really really wish I had said, so here's my outlet... [hr] [August 19th, 2009] Dr. P. Johnson, I won't be coming anymore. I didn't choose this, and I need to feel this on my own. I don't need a therapist telling me how to feel about this, I don't need a doctor telling me I shouldn't feel this, and I don't need pills that keep me from feeling. I'm [u]not[/u] depressed. There is [u]nothing[/u] wrong with me, and none of this is my fault. I just need time to react. I know that if I just have some time to figure out how I feel about all this, I'll come out even more awesome than how I started out. I have no idea how long it will take, and what I'll end up doing to myself while I go through this. I can't promise I won't damage myself even more. But, I know that none of this is helping, and I'm the only one who can figure this out. Nobody can feel for me. Sincerely, A patient. http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,821921#msg-821921 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 04:19:48 -0700 Phorum 5.2.7 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1440707#msg-1440707 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1440707#msg-1440707 The humming of the fluorescent lights mixes with the usual ringing in my ears and the strong beat of my own heart. I slip in and out of consciousness as I lay in bed overthinking and reliving. I'm so slow to react.
Mama, I don't want to end up like you. This has been the basis of my new life. To just be the anti you, and this has worked well so far. But I don't know how deep the change is, how significant the differences. I hear the same voices in my head and I believe the same lies. I crave the numbness that can only come to the lowest of the low. I usually catch these things early on.
I got angry sooner than you would have. I understood sooner than I expected to. I'm trying to fix myself sooner than most manage to. I don't know what happens next. I'm only 20 and I've lived lifetimes. You talk about how you're just getting started, you have time to make up for. I feel like I'm falling behind.
I don't know how much you've said out of fear and mistrust, and how much was out of sincere wisdom. I don't know how much is part of the cycle and how much has been my own stupid fault. But sometimes I catch glimpses of the pattern.
Mama, I'm determined to not end up like you. But I wish I could see this from the outside. I wish I could hear for myself all the bullshit excuses I make. All the ways I punish myself and hold myself back. All the things I can't let go, that I'll never admit, that I ignore. But I just keep going.
I just hope I won't end up like you.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Sun, 07 Apr 2013 23:38:05 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1432532#msg-1432532 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1432532#msg-1432532 lunaloco Writing Tue, 19 Feb 2013 08:14:49 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1432529#msg-1432529 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1432529#msg-1432529 i will rise above, i will suck it up, i will do any and all but the old ways.
i didn't come this far to go backward, by fuck.
so i won't.
boy, you sure know how to fire my inner psycho up, eh? fine tuned, well weaved and lodged firmly and perpetually. ffs.
i need a planet sized dose of "temper b gone".]]> daenerys Writing Tue, 19 Feb 2013 07:46:06 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431357#msg-1431357 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431357#msg-1431357 by all that is holy, you are so beautiful.
so very exquisitely mind blowingly breath takingly beautiful.
thank you for being.
...me...]]> daenerys Writing Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:01:22 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431354#msg-1431354 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431354#msg-1431354 ghostshot posted:

This thread closes, and opens some doors!!!

but can it become a magic 8 ball? ;)]]> daenerys Writing Tue, 12 Feb 2013 06:55:21 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431326#msg-1431326 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431326#msg-1431326 ghostshot Writing Tue, 12 Feb 2013 04:24:07 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431232#msg-1431232 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1431232#msg-1431232 and as for that ongoing issue?
either be grateful for what it is and that it is, or close the door. enough of the self torment, the endless weighing up...
you have spent more than enough time, face first in the dirt, trying to examine ever last minute particle.
soar now. see things from a broader perspective. soar. perhaps the answer is in the vista view....and if not...well: be grateful or close the door.
xxxooo]]> daenerys Writing Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:27:36 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1430398#msg-1430398 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1430398#msg-1430398 daenerys posted:

dictator of the known universe(s):
he cooks! he runs candlelit baths! he is smart and funny and charming.
and if you happen to be into pretending to be someone and something you are not, he will happily date you.
one must not be real, to be marriage material.
one must not be open, to be marriage material.
a square must fit firmly in a square shape cut out in order to be marriage material.
if you can wrap your reeling brain around the very fact that one never lies down where one plays, you too can be marriage material.
well, bury me in the cold room where my shocked lips dropped off my face and fell to the floor.
well, dig me up and put me on the pull out couch beside the severed heart.
well, i have a lot of things to say to you but these words need to meet hammer and drum, not bytes and eyes.
sirrah, sir.

wow just wow x]]> lunaloco Writing Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:05:07 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1430397#msg-1430397 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1430397#msg-1430397
Our relationship was mostly a positive one. I don’t think you can deny that. We didn’t fight much and we never had any serious problems with one another. To be fair there were some personality differences that certainly caused some stress at times, but nothing too bad.

I think the main thing that happened was that you were too young, too inexperienced. You didn’t want to be 'locked down' yet. It wasn’t necessarily that the life we could’ve shared was all that awful a possibility, you just weren’t ready to ‘settle’ yet. You didn’t want the burdens that came with caring for another person. You were too stressed and you didn’t know how to manage it. I should’ve known this was going to happen from the outset. Dating a 17yr old who had never been in long term relationship was bound to crack at some point, and it finally did. You said I never did anything wrong and I believe that and I hold it close because it’s something I have to tell myself. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you really truly didn’t want a life with me for some concrete reason. I don’t know. I probably never will.

You brought up that you didn’t want to get married, didn’t want to share a life with me. I think, I was in a no-win scenario, because none of those things did I ever bring up. You brought them up, you encouraged that line of thinking and I went with it because it sounded pretty damn nice. The crappy little apartment and so on. What was I to do?.

I don’t blame you for leaving me. It was the right choice for you because you couldn’t/didn’t want to deal with it at this point.

I guess I wish we would’ve broken up in a better way than we did. There was such animosity that I don’t think was appropriate. There were better ways to say goodbye than how we did. I suppose it was the easiest way for you to follow through with your actions, because a proper goodbye would’ve been too hard. I don’t know. But I’ll say mine now. You are a great person and we shared many firsts together. There were so many beautiful moments in our relationship and I will treasure those. If circumstances had been different I think things would’ve gone better for us but they weren’t and we have to accept that. I am on my way to accepting that. I’m hurting and I sure you are too. But that will fade. The pain will fade. I just ask that you don’t use anger as a means to getting over me.

Because the main thing that I want to say is that you were my best friend and I think I was yours. That friendship was very real and very close and I would hate to lose that simply because a romantic relationship didn’t work out. I know it will take time before we can be as friendly towards one another as we were, probably a long time, but I don’t want to be strangers. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t care if I never call you mine again but I don’t want to have to say you aren’t my friend.

Writing this has helped me clear my mind a little. I have more to say and someday I might.

Travel safely,
Weiter]]> eigengrau Writing Wed, 06 Feb 2013 10:53:47 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1422665#msg-1422665 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1422665#msg-1422665
[12 April 2012]
Dear skin,

I'm sorry for what I do to you. You're all I've got when there's noise in my head. A bruise is the closest thing to a face I can relate to. And an oozing wound is the closest thing to a mouth that can speak for me. I shouldn't take it out on you. But I know you understand. You know you've got to understand. You're all I've got when I lose my mind. I've got to use you, and abuse you, and make you feel right. You're the only way my movements have consequence. You're the only way I can numb this. Take it.

- fist.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Sun, 23 Dec 2012 19:32:52 -0800 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398686#msg-1398686 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398686#msg-1398686
Why did you even want my friendship to begin with? Had I known all you had in mind was to try to change me into someone you thought I should be, I would have never conceded. I am good enough as I am, and if you cannot see that, then that's a shame and your loss.]]> angelhalo Writing Sat, 01 Sep 2012 18:24:48 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398656#msg-1398656 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398656#msg-1398656 ghostshot posted:

SunshineGirl posted:
ghostshot posted:
This thread is perfect...I think we all needed it a long time ago...thank you Sunshine Girl...
I'm glad you like it, ghostshot. =]

My Dear,

Just the couple of my postings on here......has healed wounds that I thought had no effect on me!!!

Reading the postings from others...soothes the pain of some wounds that remain.

That's wonderful. Happy to hear this has helped. I know posting some of the things I have in here have had a much bigger effect on me that I thought they would.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Sat, 01 Sep 2012 14:32:40 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398242#msg-1398242 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398242#msg-1398242 SunshineGirl posted:

ghostshot posted:
This thread is perfect...I think we all needed it a long time ago...thank you Sunshine Girl...

I'm glad you like it, ghostshot. =]

My Dear,

Just the couple of my postings on here......has healed wounds that I thought had no effect on me!!!

Reading the postings from others...soothes the pain of some wounds that remain.]]> ghostshot Writing Thu, 30 Aug 2012 23:36:05 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398225#msg-1398225 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398225#msg-1398225 ghostshot posted:

This thread is perfect...I think we all needed it a long time ago...thank you Sunshine Girl...

I'm glad you like it, ghostshot. =]]]> SunshineGirl Writing Thu, 30 Aug 2012 19:50:43 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398224#msg-1398224 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1398224#msg-1398224 daenerys posted:

SunshineGirl posted:
[09 June 2012 - What I will say]
To my child,

You have chosen a different path than me, and that's ok. It's not a path I would have ever chosen, but I've got nothing to do with this. Your eyes are brighter than they've ever been, and I could never take away from you what gives you life. Just be a good human, and strive to be a better human, and always help others to do the same. I love you. My mother only loved who I could be. I will never do that to you. I will only love you, as you are now. Because who you are is who you should be, because it's who you've chosen to be. And that's ok. That's as it should be.
I love you, now. And I'm so proud of you.

- Your mother.

sunshine girl: may i read this to my son? i will tell him it was written by another mother but that this is something i wish i had written for him. may i?

Of course you can. I'd be honored.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Thu, 30 Aug 2012 19:45:03 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397914#msg-1397914 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397914#msg-1397914 he cooks! he runs candlelit baths! he is smart and funny and charming.
and if you happen to be into pretending to be someone and something you are not, he will happily date you.
one must not be real, to be marriage material.
one must not be open, to be marriage material.
a square must fit firmly in a square shape cut out in order to be marriage material.
if you can wrap your reeling brain around the very fact that one never lies down where one plays, you too can be marriage material.
well, bury me in the cold room where my shocked lips dropped off my face and fell to the floor.
well, dig me up and put me on the pull out couch beside the severed heart.
well, i have a lot of things to say to you but these words need to meet hammer and drum, not bytes and eyes.
sirrah, sir.]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:57:44 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397913#msg-1397913 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397913#msg-1397913 i took the teddy bear out of the closet and burned it on my winter solstice fire.
if nothing was new, then nothing is new, and that means nothing will be new.
that's ok.
as a matter of fact, old man, it is more than ok. it is ALL GOOD.
or would that be ALL WELL?
nothing old, nothing new, nobody lying, nobody true.
there is this thing called a two way street, a fascinating concept really...you may want to look into that sometime.
word upon words upon words, all falling into a black hole...spinning around the event horizon and stretching impossibly thin and thinner until nothing is left but the ghost of a ghost of a ghost like echo.
that teddy bear was most certainly something new, and yes borrowed from you, but you dropped the denial dice and rolled snake eyes.
no, nothing new indeed.
here's to honesty that could have been, here's to things unseen, and here's to you!
ps: keeping all your colours in segregated piles generally leads to nothing new.]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:47:14 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397912#msg-1397912 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397912#msg-1397912 you were the best decoy ever.
from shadowy dream to shady reality.
bike rides, denial, intensity cloaked in clark kent's specs. nice.
hope you still aren't stuck in that bolt factory assembly line.
hope you realize that a million dollars IS something to someone somewhere. that is what relativity is all about.
hope you found the hidden door and made it out alive.]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:37:33 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397911#msg-1397911 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397911#msg-1397911 thank you for allowing me to say what i failed to when i should have. better late than never is a hollow saying, but at the very least you gifted me with a form of forgiveness simply by allowing me to speak.
bless you, cam.]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:32:45 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397908#msg-1397908 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397908#msg-1397908 SunshineGirl posted:

[09 June 2012 - What I will say]
To my child,

You have chosen a different path than me, and that's ok. It's not a path I would have ever chosen, but I've got nothing to do with this. Your eyes are brighter than they've ever been, and I could never take away from you what gives you life. Just be a good human, and strive to be a better human, and always help others to do the same. I love you. My mother only loved who I could be. I will never do that to you. I will only love you, as you are now. Because who you are is who you should be, because it's who you've chosen to be. And that's ok. That's as it should be.
I love you, now. And I'm so proud of you.

- Your mother.

sunshine girl: may i read this to my son? i will tell him it was written by another mother but that this is something i wish i had written for him. may i?]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:25:34 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397906#msg-1397906 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1397906#msg-1397906 why did you call me a piglet?
why did you think i wanted to mess with little boys?
why were you watching me while i was unconscious?
i wish i had punched you in the mouth, right through that glass pane.
i still have the pen sketch with the music notes on it. i spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the fuck that was about.
i chalked it up to you being an emotional sadist.
anyway, the whole point of this is to say that considering how much scorn and disgust you viewed me with...you had no right to be in my cabin, watching.
it all comes down to "right"s, does it not, glen?
no right, not right, might and right, righteous, rite.
who was right in the end, glen?
who HAD the right, in the end, glen?
food for thought.
i really really really wish i had woken up and drop kicked you straight past that red light and into the cold, damp night.
maybe then you would have come back in honesty. maybe you would have been soul naked. maybe maybe maybe. not.]]> daenerys Writing Wed, 29 Aug 2012 13:22:34 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1387479#msg-1387479 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1387479#msg-1387479 ghostshot Writing Thu, 12 Jul 2012 21:36:43 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1387469#msg-1387469 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1387469#msg-1387469 Dear dad,

I no longer have a reason to fear. You were the face in the window, the rustling in the dark, the voices in my head. You are gone, they are gone, and everything's ok now. I no longer have a reason to be so angry. I feel it's wrong, but knowing you died alone makes it all ok. What do I have to be angry about now? You got what you deserved. At least, the man you became got what he deserved. My dad didn't deserve it, but that man had been long gone a long time. I'd hoped he'd come back, I'd hoped he'd try harder, I'd hoped he'd never leave me again. But hope is the first sign of defeat. And now I don't have to hope. I can move on and be strong. But it would have been nice if you'd gotten better. Everyone should get better. But I think I understand. I think I understand why you did what you did. I think I understand why you didn't care. I think I understand why you died alone. And you probably didn't notice. I loved you. And fuck, I hated you. But what good does it do to hate a dead man? I'd say I forgive you, but I don't know what good that would do. I think it's supposed to set me free. But you've already done that. I'm just going to forget what you looked like, what you felt like, what your laugh sounded like, and how much I miss all of it. I'm going to forget how you called me moron, and how you bruised me, and how you made me feel dirty, and how much I hated all of it. I'm going to forget you now. Obsessing and trying to understand has kept me alive, but now I need to find better reasons. I need to stop living for you. You couldn't even live for you. So bye dad, bye asshole, bye lonely old man. I forgive you.

- Your daughter.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Thu, 12 Jul 2012 20:27:52 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1380964#msg-1380964 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1380964#msg-1380964 ...with some of your last breathe...

...I,always knew you where

but I don't know...where you never told of how proud you made them...

it would have been so easy for you to say it...once in awhile...as I have learned to be able to say it through the years...but then,again,not all to easy for you

but I knew...and know..why

mine,as well as yours,had been mapped out long before either one of us could ever comprehend

and we both grew under different light

I have done much...as you had
nothing to compare to...as I know a father wants of a son...]]> ghostshot Writing Mon, 18 Jun 2012 07:30:03 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378914#msg-1378914 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378914#msg-1378914
maybe i can say...

..."ocean pulls me close..and whispers in my ear.......'blessed fires.............................

:)]]> anew Writing Tue, 12 Jun 2012 04:37:14 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378405#msg-1378405 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378405#msg-1378405 SunshineGirl posted:

Nothing finer than Love,except a mother's love...]]> ghostshot Writing Sun, 10 Jun 2012 00:38:18 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378384#msg-1378384 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1378384#msg-1378384 To my child,

You have chosen a different path than me, and that's ok. It's not a path I would have ever chosen, but I've got nothing to do with this. Your eyes are brighter than they've ever been, and I could never take away from you what gives you life. Just be a good human, and strive to be a better human, and always help others to do the same. I love you. My mother only loved who I could be. I will never do that to you. I will only love you, as you are now. Because who you are is who you should be, because it's who you've chosen to be. And that's ok. That's as it should be.
I love you, now. And I'm so proud of you.

- Your mother.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Sat, 09 Jun 2012 20:55:15 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1370793#msg-1370793 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1370793#msg-1370793

...for every past relationship...]]> ghostshot Writing Fri, 11 May 2012 03:32:14 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1368864#msg-1368864 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1368864#msg-1368864 To the bitches I live with,

I know you think I'm weird. But you're weird, too. It's not normal to only think about the people you don't like. It's standard, I know, but it's not normal. Does it make you feel better? Feel superior? You're leading her on and you're using her. All you want is a body to fill a room, and she can do that for you. But what can you do for her? Hate her? Resent her? Be disgusted by her? That's not normal.
Sure you have lots of friends, but what for? All you do is talk about them behind their backs. The only reason you want friends is to have a wider selection of people to be disgusted by. Why is it weird that me and her want actual friends, that we like? Why is it weird that she cares?
This is junior high level social retardation. How are you not capable of doing anything other than gossiping when you're together. Chicks are capable of more than that. Should be capable. But I don't think you are. I don't feel bad for you for having to deal with someone so clingy. I feel bad for her for being used.

- Evaline]]> SunshineGirl Writing Fri, 04 May 2012 10:48:23 -0700 http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1365712#msg-1365712 Re: [To Whom It May Concern - Things I Should Have Said...] http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?35,821921,1365712#msg-1365712
[21 April 2012]
Innocence,

Hello old friend. I rather miss you. But I don't know that I ever knew you well. There was a time when I felt all was good and that nothing could ever go wrong and I never had the urge to harm anyone. I would never have dreamt of telling the lies that I tell now, of the pain and mistrust those lies cause. I want you back, old friend. I miss the times when angry words made me cry, when I could not comprehend hatred. When all I had was hope and dreams and the fantasy that maybe when I was older I could be away from hatred and anger. I've lost hope. And I've lost you, old friend. I wonder if there's a way to revert. But I can't turn back. I can only deal with what I've done. And I can't hope for the best. I can only expect what I deserve.

- Corruption.]]> SunshineGirl Writing Sat, 21 Apr 2012 12:36:32 -0700