do you have to let go of the
wrong one
to find the right one?

or can you hold on loosely
to the wrong one

and let the right one come
and take you away

like cutting in on a dance

i'd like to believe that is
possible

it's the only way i have a chance

twisting
turning
churning
and burning
with guilt

paper chasing
leads
to burnin paper

empty
absolute zero

well almost

God when will I realize it's
not worth it
there must be a book
on the deep psychological
affects of gambling
or how to break em

i've made the disconnection
i've heard the sound
of wedding bells
and nursery rhymes

not even my delusions can
include you now

for once in my life
i don't have delusions
about anyone

just feeling the void
that they used to fill

filling it with whatever
i will

i'm going to get ambitious
tomorrow
next day
next month

procrastinate
because the void
is too heavy to pass through

The other morning
deep in sleep
until my neighbor
pounded on the door
swung it open
telling me in
screaming fits
to grab what i can
the house is on fire next to me

i jump up tell bug
grab my purse
stand outside
shocked and dazed
emblazened
beside me

just waiting for
ours to begin to melt

my heart it wherever
the fire trucks were
at the moment

thinking we can't last much
longer
and we have no home insurance

the spray is applied
and a wave of relief

not even fire next to me
can make me change my ways

still a gambling addict
with access to the keno
while on shift
is a backdraft into my
finances

Fuck! I remember when it
began to take hold of me
when my mom would ask me
to the casino

and feed my twenties
to go play
and somewhere along the
way of playing for fun
not on my dime

the hooks sinked in
clawed their way to my soul
sometimes i just accept it
and say that's who i am

but if it's not who i want to
be
then pulling them out should be
easy

but it's the darkest addiction
i have ever had



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/07/2010 11:10PM by erikamae77.

so today i swore up and down
i was quitting my job
of bartending with alcohol
on hand
not really a problem for me
but the gambling was easy accesible

though my sister laura lee
said please work for me
so i did

put five in the poker machine
hit a straight flush
of hearts

for 200

hear come the highs
fuck the lows

i'm a gambling
till i find something
else to interest me

worked
felt triumphed
compared to yesterday

did a little coke
and felt like being around
these ypsi snobs
i don't understand
how a town in such a funk
can still be so cliquey

but it is
just like this forum

clickety click click

but the bartender hugged me out the door
and people keep talking shit
about my brother

for being a wild asshole while in town
shit that's how i earned my thirty days
barred
by sticking up for him

but now he's in a good place
applaud all you want
the Blakemore curse is yet gone
but we carry on ,....

You want style
find it in a plastic bag
with a receipt
that you paid for it

you want class
get your ass out and earn it

you want friends
than do something for someone other than yourself

you want laughter
than laugh at yourself first

you want money
than give up your time , talent , or both

you want celebrity
than build yourself up on a pedestal
never to be understood

you want a perfect body
than starve yourself
and work out five times a day

you want real
you want real nasty raw real
than fucking be yourself
and drop the rest

I laughed outloud after the last one

sometimes shit is just too funny
but sex is something that shouldn't
be locked in a closet for adults

it should be shared and celebrated
if it so chooses you to feel that way

Cedar Point
loft bed
room cleaned

bowling
baseball

great grades
love of school

what i want for my son
what my son does
what he can achieve

that's what deeply matters to me

he's 10 now
10 years of grounding me
to this earth

not a suicide attempt in sight
since he entered the world

not a thought of leaving him
for any bullshit that can bring me down
usually of my own making

i'm here for Jimmy James
he's sensitive
smart intelligent
a little adult
raised far on the liberal side of the scale
instead of being sheltered

soon he'll be a man
eight years officially
so time is still precious

so yes Cedar Point we will go
loft bed i will make happen
as I keep his dreams coming true
and he keeps them within my means

nothing will stop me

popcorn baths
swimming in his energy
his smile
warms my heart
the center of my being

wine
strawberry exchange
melba garlic toast
and cheese
asiago he says

then a day without
him at the stadium
shooting cannons

me nursing my hangover
sleeping

this nite wasn't
swimming in popcorn
on the basement floor

this wasn't me cuddling
for an hour or two

this was a nite of
fire and bicycles
shooting pool prelude to

him starting a fire with
Abby's cigarette butt

us carrying the fire into
the yard
by handles on the pit

to me breaking a chair
him breaking a glass
wine glass
just because i said i wanted

to do it

things are moving fast
sometimes time
compresses two individuals

were happy together
we laugh together
we kiss on the cheek

am I in love ?

I don't know but either way
it feels good.

Real Good.
And Bug will never
understand the life i feel
such a disparity
between our composite energies
and this new
friend.

I want to kiss you
I want to wake you up
but I don't
and I won't
until your ready

was yesterday just a fluke
or are we really becoming close
where we can't be away
from eachother

let's take out the alcohol
for a little bit
and see what happens..

bout to be single
freedom blossoms from my heart
everything in place

You went from calling me love
to wildly driving me home
pissed off you found my bra in your
truck
blacked out to the sexual shenanigans
that took place

you are one grumpy fuck in the morning.

goes from fun party guy
to pissed off at the world

well me actually

then you invite your girlfriend from the past
to come stay at your house for the weekend

haven't seen you since
though you peeped into the VFW
but i wasn't there

i know what i need to do
take 100 steps back
no facebook interaction
no phonecalls

dammit Erika can you do that?

can you leave someone alone
the mighty lion in me
wants to stalk my prey
the Lioness wants her meal now

but if I could lay the fuck back
and play it cool
he like so many others
will love me

i'm not being arrogant
i'm telling the truth
i don't know many who get to know me
who don't

so kick back and love will grow
like New Edition says
right? and if it don't
maybe i'll be far enough back
that it won't hurt
when he doesn't return my affections

UTAH LOVE

I love two men at once

One is there for me
dependable
i didn't say faithful
but reliable
answers the phone
always calls me back
no games
i have his love
i take his money
we raise our son


then there is the one
who makes my blood curl
for more
just to look in his eyes
and i actually feel something

who i see his body , his face
and i want to dance with him
run with him ... well walk really

i love both in different ways
the fire in my heart for one
and the one who helps me contain
the water within

Woke up to an empty bed
again
for the man i live with
read my poetry

the one i Try to love
not just dreams, feelings
Mr. Reality

REality has me running
elsewhere
Why ?
He can't give.