I'm constantly thinking of things I should say to people, things I really really wish I had said, so here's my outlet...

---

[August 19th, 2009]
Dr. P. Johnson,

I won't be coming anymore. I didn't choose this, and I need to feel this on my own. I don't need a therapist telling me how to feel about this, I don't need a doctor telling me I shouldn't feel this, and I don't need pills that keep me from feeling. I'm not depressed. There is nothing wrong with me, and none of this is my fault. I just need time to react. I know that if I just have some time to figure out how I feel about all this, I'll come out even more awesome than how I started out. I have no idea how long it will take, and what I'll end up doing to myself while I go through this. I can't promise I won't damage myself even more. But, I know that none of this is helping, and I'm the only one who can figure this out. Nobody can feel for me.

Sincerely,
A patient.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/19/2009 07:54PM by SunshineGirl.

[August 23rd, 2009]
To you who doubted me,

One day, my silence will be broken. One day, I'll be able to look you in the eye. One day, my truth will be deafening. One day, shame will take hold of you, and I promise I'll be there. I know you'll never be there for me, but I'll be there, looking through you, looking past you. But you, you'll have no choice but to see me, to look at me. You'll see how much better I've gotten. You'll see how well I did without you. You know I only live out of spite. For you to see me is my only reason for being, for you to know you're as worthless as I am. One day, I'll be better than you.
But, until then, I will continue to grow, with my roots in the future, facing a past I refuse to let go of, until I know you know...and I can rest.

-Biddle.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/23/2009 06:15PM by SunshineGirl.

tr_sad_sad_stalker posted:

SunshineGirl posted:

I'm constantly thinking of things I should say to people, things I really really wish I had said, so here's my outlet...

---

[August 19th, 2009]
Dr. P. Johnson,

I won't be coming anymore. I didn't choose this, and I need to feel this on my own. I don't need a therapist telling me how to feel about this, I don't need a doctor telling me I shouldn't feel this, and I don't need pills that keep me from feeling. I'm not depressed. There is nothing wrong with me, and none of this is my fault. I just need time to react. I know that if I just have some time to figure out how I feel about all this, I'll come out even more awesome than how I started out. I have no idea how long it will take, and what I'll end up doing to myself while I go through this. I can't promise I won't damage myself even more. But, I know that none of this is helping, and I'm the only one who can figure this out. Nobody can feel for me.

Sincerely,
A patient.

What's a smiley for "marry me"?

haha! Hm.. I think a "" will do. hehe.

I should get to writing. I've not posted something in a while...

tr_sad_sad_stalker posted:

You should.

And I should too. Let's should! (ok...?)

Yes, love, let us should!

[August 22nd, 2010]
Dear "Father",

Do you remember the Bible you gave me? Probably not. I'm sure you've forgotten it. Just as you've forgotten your faith. Just as you've forgotten me, I hope. Well that Bible, I tore it up and threw it away. Do you know what I do every time I find a picture of you? I tear it up and throw it away. I don't even know how long it's been, but I'm forgetting what you look like, thank God. Do you know what I would love to do to you, if I were ever cursed enough to see you again? I would tear you up and throw you away, because I'm certain you don't deserve to live.

"Love,"
Your "Daughter."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2010 01:59PM by SunshineGirl.

[January 1st, 2011]
I heard you. I heard both of you. I heard the screaming. I heard the hate. My god, I felt it. It was in the air. My air. I breathed it in. I let it out. What goes in, always comes out. Still is. Your hate is still in me. But breathing is no release. It's a reminder. Everything's a goddamn reminder, of what never should have been, and what I'm terrified will happen again. And it will. Because you fucked up. Because you hated. I hate. So deeply it's part of me. Buried under love. Love I cling to, love nonexistant, love I try so hard to call into being. But love doesn't come without trust. How does one trust? Close their eyes. I guess. But I'm blind, and it's not fair; nor can one love without seeing love. I saw no gentle embraces, tender kisses. He hurt her. She cried and yelled. You both hurt me. Was there love, somewhere in all that? Did I simply miss it? Was there love when you insulted me, papa? When you pulled my hair and invaded. Was there love when you left me, mama? When you ignored my painful little eyes? Was there love when he made her scream? Was their love when she hunted him in our "home"? Did I misinterpret? Did I miss something?

[October 23, 2011]
You.

You are too fast for me. I will always feel inferior. Your thoughts are more important to both of us. Mine just annoy. Mine just frustrate. Both of us. I love you. And I need you. And you are what makes me happy. And you are what turns my day around; when I'm up, you make me crash. And this is lies. Of course it is. But now I'm overthinking. Because you sounded like you were doing fine. But you need us to not be a disappointment. You need me to not disappoint you. Because that's what I do. As hard as I try. As much as I think I've managed to remember. But you still get annoyed with me. You still get frustrated with me. You still get disappointed. And I can't actually tell you any of it. Because I've held it in too long. And you'll wonder why I didn't tell you sooner. And I won't have anything to say. Again. And I'll get annoyed. I'll get frustrated. I'll get disappointed. Again. And it will end the way it always does. I'll go to bed teary-eyed wondering what you're thinking. Wanting you to cry. Wanting you to show some kind of emotion other than not caring. I'll go to bed upset. Even though that's what you kept saying you don't want. That we shouldn't go to bed upset. But I guess it must not upset you much. And I just want you to show that you feel. And you said my life wouldn't continue the way it was. Once I got out of the house, things were going to change. But this cycle is familiar. This cycle is how things already were. A cycle of not understanding and beating myself inside and out wishing none of it was real. But you are real. And I'm thankful. But sometimes I wish you would show it. And sometimes I think I wish you'd stop thinking.

Yours.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2011 04:41PM by SunshineGirl.

april 13th 2012

i hope you enjoy the legal surprise i will be springing on you sooner than later.
and i won't be alone. no sirree bob. i will actively search out every family who has a child or children who have had their esteem damaged by you and your bullshit mandate.
your disgusting "academic" house of cards is going to tumble down.
your years of wearing down the spirits and esteem of boys is almost out of time.
tick tock, pinocchio parade.
tick fucking tock.

sincerely,
someone who actually cares about educating ALL children, and isn't taking your horseshit games any more.

ps: unfortunate for you that you mistook my efforts to keep things civil as being weakness.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/13/2012 03:35PM by daenerys.

This is a very clever idea. Mind if I try and exorcise some hate/pain/frustration?

********************************************************************************
March 21, 2012

Dear Book Of Poems I Published In December 2009,

Hi there. I noticed you the other day and felt the need to write you this small letter as you brought up some feelings I wasn't aware of when I saw you. Anyway, where and when did I see you? It was just the other day, I was doing some picking up around the house and I saw you on a pile of scatterd paperwork, notebooks and old invoices my wife left behind. It seemed to fit that you'd be on that pile since you may or may not realize that you were actually a gift I gave to her for Christmas of the year you were born. Actually, she and Christmas was the reason you were born. I never really had a desire to publish anything I wrote, typed, thought of until this time. So, in essence, you belong to her, like those other things.

When I saw you I turned you over (you were turned over showing your back cover) I decided to do some flipping through your pages just confirming for myself that you contained all of the things I wanted to be a part of you back then. You were, without a doubt: 18 pages of poetry and photgraphs I had worked on and thought of over the period of at least a year or so. I even made a brief dedication page for her on your front so she would be sure it was all for her and what she meant to me.

But to my distress, here you were, in this pile of things she left behind when she left me several months ago. I was thinking for sure you'd belong to her, no matter what. That you'd be some good piece for her to keep. But apparently you weren't. I'm so sorry you were left. All of the effort put into felt then very wasted and discarded.

But since that I have now come to terms that maybe, just maybe, you'd be worthwile to keep. If anything you'd be something maybe my daughter would cherish. Something to show how much I loved her mother and how much of me is in there.

So just wanted to let you know, despite me feeling bad about how you were left. I have hope that you still have a future. And I thank you for being patient with me.

Yours truly,
Brian

Thank you for sharing! Anybody else who wants to write letters, do feel free to join in! It feels good! ^_^

[21 April 2012]
Innocence,

Hello old friend. I rather miss you. But I don't know that I ever knew you well. There was a time when I felt all was good and that nothing could ever go wrong and I never had the urge to harm anyone. I would never have dreamt of telling the lies that I tell now, of the pain and mistrust those lies cause. I want you back, old friend. I miss the times when angry words made me cry, when I could not comprehend hatred. When all I had was hope and dreams and the fantasy that maybe when I was older I could be away from hatred and anger. I've lost hope. And I've lost you, old friend. I wonder if there's a way to revert. But I can't turn back. I can only deal with what I've done. And I can't hope for the best. I can only expect what I deserve.

- Corruption.

I was never there for you,hell,I was never there for myself.All the times that I should have acted,reacted,and stood silent instead.Then,I think of the times that I did say something or had an outburst reaction...and was ignored or at least told that I didn't know what I was talking about.I find myself standing by,watching,waiting to be a witness.I stand in the middle of the road for a clearer view.I've seen so much that I can almost guess what is going to happen by the way the events start to unfold.But when it comes to us...my head was buried in the sand,even when I knew what was coming next...I would not allow myself to see.Knowing what was going to be the next step,standing silent this time again,to see if I can weather the storm.Knowing the outcome will be the same...the definition of insanity...


...for every past relationship...

SunshineGirl posted:

[09 June 2012 - What I will say]
To my child,

You have chosen a different path than me, and that's ok. It's not a path I would have ever chosen, but I've got nothing to do with this. Your eyes are brighter than they've ever been, and I could never take away from you what gives you life. Just be a good human, and strive to be a better human, and always help others to do the same. I love you. My mother only loved who I could be. I will never do that to you. I will only love you, as you are now. Because who you are is who you should be, because it's who you've chosen to be. And that's ok. That's as it should be.
I love you, now. And I'm so proud of you.

- Your mother.

Nothing finer than Love,except a mother's love...

You said,that you where proud of me...
...with some of your last breathe...

...I,always knew you where


but I don't know...where you never told of how proud you made them...

it would have been so easy for you to say it...once in awhile...as I have learned to be able to say it through the years...but then,again,not all to easy for you

but I knew...and know..why

mine,as well as yours,had been mapped out long before either one of us could ever comprehend

and we both grew under different light

I have done much...as you had
nothing to compare to...as I know a father wants of a son...

This thread is perfect...I think we all needed it a long time ago...thank you Sunshine Girl...

SunshineGirl posted:

[09 June 2012 - What I will say]
To my child,

You have chosen a different path than me, and that's ok. It's not a path I would have ever chosen, but I've got nothing to do with this. Your eyes are brighter than they've ever been, and I could never take away from you what gives you life. Just be a good human, and strive to be a better human, and always help others to do the same. I love you. My mother only loved who I could be. I will never do that to you. I will only love you, as you are now. Because who you are is who you should be, because it's who you've chosen to be. And that's ok. That's as it should be.
I love you, now. And I'm so proud of you.

- Your mother.

sunshine girl: may i read this to my son? i will tell him it was written by another mother but that this is something i wish i had written for him. may i?