Thanks

It seems I´m better at writing jokes than telling them. There is no way I can ruin the whole thing by giggling like a moron before I even start, as usual.

Here´s a couple of short ones.

Why did the world's dumbest prostitute took her own life?








She found out the other girls got paid.




Why do women always watch porn movies from the very beginning until the closing credits are over?









Because they believe the characters will get married in the end.



(BADDA BING BUM)

another sick dead baby joke:
What's Worst than 10 dead babies in a bin?













One baby in 10 bins.

Three couples want to join a Catholic Church- an old couple, a middle aged couple, and young newlyweds who have only been married for two days. The go to the church and the priest tells them if you want to be members of this congregation, you must abstain from sex for onw month. If you come back and have done this, then you are welcome here.

One month later, the three couples go back to meet with the priest. He faces the old couple...

Have you done as I have asked? Have you abstained from sex for this month?

They reply yes. It wasn't all that difficult, really.

He then welcomes them happily to his congregation. Then he talks to the middle aged couple and asks them the same question, and they reply

We have to be honest here... It was difficult. There were a lot of temptations, but we managed to do as you asked.

They too are welcomed to the congregation. Finally, he asks the young newlyweds so? what about you? Were you able to go the entire month without sex? Their eyes fall to the floor in expressions of shame.

Well, actually, no. We made it through the first day just fine. But on the second day, she bent over to pick up a loaf of bread, and I just had to have her right then and there.

The priest, none to pleased with them, tells them of course you realize that you're not allowed in this congregation now.

The young man replies yeah, I know. We're not allowed in that Food Lion anymore, either

Here's another building site joke...

A construstion worker is part of a crew working on a new office building, and one of the workers is way up high on the scaffolding when he realizes he left his hammer on the ground. He looks down and sees another worker standing there. He's too high up to yell at him, so he just flaps his arms around to get his attention. When the other worker looks up at him, the first worker points at his eye, thrusts his knee up, and makes the universal "hammering" gesture, hoping the man on the ground would understand that he was miming "I need a hammer". The worker on the ground, on the other hand, immediately pulls out his dick and starts masturbating...

A minute later, the first worker is on the ground and goes up to the other worker and yells at him...

WHAT THE SHIT?! I WAS TRYING TO SAY THAT I NEEDED A HAMMER!

The other worker looks at him and says I know, and I was trying to tell you "I'm coming"

*Saving from Page Four*

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a dope addict?

A refrigerator starts off in a box and ends up in a house



What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a Peeping Tom?

A pick-pocket snatches watches



What do a squirrel and an empty beer can have in common?

They're both fun to shoot with a BB Gun



What do a drag queen and a Rubix Cube have in common?

Both of them are colorful, but I wouldn't want to do either one of them

Oh dear, we may be degenerating again... The Prowler, funny jokes!!! Johnny Ripper, um not sure.

OK, here's a few really silly ones:

Q. How can you tell which spiders are the trendiest?
A. They have their own websites. (boom boom)

Q. What do you call a pig that does karate?
A. Pork Chop!

Q. Who went into the lion's den and came out alive?
A. The lion....

Q. What two fish are needed to make a shoe?
A. A sole and an eel...

is this a thread about Family Guy/Seth McFarlane?

One day, a hippy gets on a city bus and sits up near the front by the bus driver. The driver notices that the hippy keeps looking back over his shoulder at a nun sitting further back behind him. Every day for a week, the hippy comes back and just stares at the nun on the bus, until the driver finally confronts him one day.

"Dude, every day you get on my bus and just stare at that nun. What the hell?"

The hippy tells him:
"I'm sorry, but I can't help it. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!"

The bus driver says:
"What, you wanna tap the nun?"

Hippy says:
"In the worst way"

Bus driver:
"Standing up in a hammock?"

Hippy:
"What?"

Bus Driver
"Never mind. Look, I can help you... Every Friday night, she goes to the church on the corner of Fifth and Broad. She goes out into the cemetery at 9:00 and prays for Jesus Christ to show himself. Dress up like Jesus and smear some glow-in-the-dark paint all over yourself to get a nice heavenly effect, and I'm pretty sure she'll do whatever you want... She's a very trusting person..."

That Friday night, the hippy is waiting in the bushes in the cemetery, and sure enough, the nun comes out of the church and into the cemetery right as the clock chimes nine. She stops a few feet away from him, kneels down, and begins to pray for Jesus Christ to show himself. A few minutes later, the hippy walks out from behind the bushes, clad in a white gown, a crown of thorns, and sporting a rather heavenly glow all about his person, and he speaks to her...

"Sister, I have heard your prayers, and now I answer them, for I am He! That is to say... Jesus..."

The nun is naturally quite stricken by the appearance of her Lord, and struggles to find words. Finally she manages to stutter out:

"MY LORD! I am but your humble servant! What would you have me do to better serve you?"

Hippy Jesus:
"I want you to let me make love to you"

Nun:
"What? But my Lord, this cannot be! Surely it must be wrong!"

Hippy Jesus:
"But it can be! It's not wrong! And please don't call me Shirley..."

Nun:
"Very well- as you wish, my Lord. I do make one request in that you enter me from... The... Other Place as I wish to remain virginal"

Hippy Jesus:
"As you wish, my dear woman. Now, feel the power of the Lord!"

After a half hour of some of the most disturbing role-play/fetish/unGodly/offensive/anal sex you could ever imagine, the hippy jumps up, tears off his robes and shouts:

"HA! YOU FOOL! I'M THE HIPPY FROM THE BUS!

Then the nun jumps up, rips off her Habit and yells

"HA! YOU FOOL! I'M THE BUS DRIVER!"

The_Prowler posted:

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, and they both proceed to get completely wasted. After a while, the giraffe falls over and the guy gets up to leave. The bartender yells at him hey! You can't leave that lyin' here!
The guy says no, that's a giraffe

28 Days Later.

A very prominent fraternity at a very prestigious college is having a social gathering one night, and rather than using a traditional entrance fee (money, printed invite, bringing food, etc...), they decided to dictate entrance based on I.Q. If your I.Q. was 110 or above, you could enter- If not, then you couldn't, and they set the task of Doorman to one of their Brothers.
Naturally, the school's best and brightest show up, and the party is quickly becoming a roving success, and the Doorman is doing an excellent job of keeping out the "undesirables". At one point, a small group of people show up at the door and request entrance, so the Doorman asks the first couple, both dressed in very elegant, very expensive evening wear, what their I.Q's are. The young man answers "119", his date answers "120", and the young man quickly restates that his actual I.Q. is "121"
"Excellent", the Doorman says. "Unless I'm mistaken, the two of you are majoring in Psychology, and there just happens to be a discussion on that very subject unfolding near the Monet. Welcome to the party!"
Then he asks the second couple, both dressed even more fashionable, the same question. This young man insists that his date answer first, so she tells the Doorman that her I.Q. is "135", and her date quickly adds that his is "136".
"Wonderful", the Doorman replies. "You both are majoring in Early Russian Literature, are you not? Well I know for a fact that there's currently a discussion about that very thing happening near the Van Gogh. Welcome to the party!"
Now the Doorman is left with the last member of the group, who's wearing a pair of jeans and an obviously worn button-up shirt.
"Well?" The Doorman asks... "What's your I.Q.?"
"Actually," he says, "it's only 89 or 90... Something like that."
"Oh," the Doorman says, "you're at the wrong house. The drummers are all having a party down the street"

Conversation between father and son:

"Dad, I don´t want to go to school".

"Well, well, why not?"

"First of all, I´m sleepy.
Second of all, I get bored.
and Third of all, the kids make fun of me."


Dad answers:





"You have to go to school,
First of all, it´s your job.
Second of all, you are 45 years old.
Third of all, you are the goddam school principal".

What is a fart?











A fart is the soul of a lima bean that died and went to heaven...

The_Prowler posted:

"Captain, I was down in the brig and I noticed that... Um, Captain... Why is there a steering wheel attached to the front of your trousers?

"YARGH! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Robot Chicken.

What's the difference between Acne and a priest?

Acne doesn't come on a 8 years old's face.

(It only really works when you say it aloud)

I'm a huge B.B. fan, too

One day a security guard is walking through the mall he works at when he comes across a young boy sitting alone on a bench and crying. He asks the boy what's wrong, and the kid tells him he can't find his grandfather.
"Well," the security guard says, "I think we can find him if we look together. What's he like?"
The boy says "beer and girls with big tits"

Here's something a friend told me the other day:

Q: What do you call a black pilot?
A: A pilot, you racist bastard!