I'm a nice person. I deserve some happiness, I really do.

Alone all my life

And now I'm more alone than ever

I just have the friends inside my head

No that's not true, I have a few real people who care

But they don't understand me

But they care

Is anyone even real?

I don't know

I remember when I had my breakdown I was corresponding with that guy I grew up with and I freaked him out and then he blocked me from talking to him.

And I got really psychotic due to his crappy literature he gave me and thought that he went into a parallel universe or something

And I had to go to the hospital, and his cousin had died in a mental hospital and the whole scenario freaked him out, from what I was told.

And to be truthful, this guy is my best friend's brother, and I haven't seen him since 1995 and he STILL won't talk to me. He has me blocked on myspace and facebook

I don't know why he blocks me. He KNOWS me, he grew up with me, I saw him every day when we were teenagers. He KNOWS that I don't mean him any harm. I talk to his sister all the time, she says just forget about him. She thinks he doesn't want to talk to me because he was always uptight and also kind of always had a hatred of anything dopey and naive (like me) LOL

But he KNOWS I'm not dopey and naive. We had some pretty good scientific discussions from what I recall. And I was a fucking scientist, too, to some degree. He is like some kind of physics genius LOL

It's really irritating me.

That's why I don't believe in God anymore.

I felt like God gave up on me, so I gave up on him.

The way I see it now, there is no God. I believe I'm responsible for my own happiness.

But I do hope things get better for you.

To my knowledge, God offers eternal happiness and joy in the afterlife, but He doesn't promise anyone in this life that He'll snap his fingers and make everything better. You should draw happiness in the fact that God loves you, but you have to go make yourself happy too, you can't just wait for it to come to you.

I'm sorry things haven't worked out for you, but I think if this friend of yours hasn't talked to you since 1995 and has blocked you, I think it's time to let go of this person. Maybe it's really not a big issue with you and you're just talking about it because you happened to think about it today, but if this is someone you think about on a daily basis, it's time to accept the fact that he doesn't want to talk to you, and that's his loss.

You can't dwell on things like that.