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I try not to live a life that could be described by a NIN song. Luckily, there is no NIN song that goes something like "I'm sitting on my a$$ with a laptop and insomnia," and I hope that song is never written.
At the same time, it's tough to describe. A very good childhood friend of mine was murdered this summer, and I can't yet tell you the depth of the hellish scorn and silent ice-cold ire I feel. I guess maybe a woman's rage is different, a little. I try not to think of all the pains I'd enjoy watching inflicted upon the murderer. I can't believe my brain's capacity, of just how ruthless, calculating, and imaginative... it's really frightening. NIN might not be the best choice of media for me to ingest at this moment, but it calms me. It shouldn't calm me, but it does.
It's not as nearly as harsh of a rage or an agony as what is going on in my brain, but other music just can't keep my focus off my inner liquid-nitrogen monologues. When I play the albums, the anger and fire of NIN music stands opposed to all that grows cold within me. Other music just doesn't have that strength.
NIN has forced me to look at anger in a healthier way, as an energy that can be used for the creation of something like art, rather than production of this nuclear winter my soul is trying to survive in.
I guess the song that would describe all of this best, weirdly, is "Lights in the Sky," even though to some ears it can have a creepy "I'm standing right outside your window" feel to it. Maybe I'm only saying this because between this song and "In This Twilight" I can find enough comfort to get to sleep when I have to, and so I love it because sleep is scarce right now. I know it is a guy friend that I lost, and the song is about a "she." And another thing you'd have to understand about my life is that my parents had this thing about shoving Revelations down my throat. My friend was the greatest guy ever, so when this happened, I have this mentality of the world is really, truly, fucked. So "everything they whispered in our ear is coming true," applies here.
As for me, I moved out of state. In addition to losing this friend, shunning my parents (and consequently being shunned by the rest of the bible thumping community,) I had man troubles back there. He wouldn't speak to me, but was keeping some stalker-esque tabs on me. He was also being treated for some mental trauma that I tried to help him with, but he would never let me. My friend who was murdered tried to help him, as well; we were all friends since gradeschool. But with him gone, there is nothing good left for me back home. I just had to go somewhere else.
Most of the time, I buckle down, concentrate, and write chapters about what's happened, and that really helps but I can hardly stay focused without the music. And you know, I need to be able to create something with this mess. Art is Resistance, right? Not necessarily resistance against the government, but maybe resistance against my own cold soul? I'm pretty sure you understand... you are Nine Inch Nails fans.
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